The Boys Who Cry

This pen is my only friend today
It'll last until the ink has drained away
And the paper soaks up all my thoughts
So by now it probably knows my plot
To save this world
In my own pathetic way

And this heart,
Is blistering with hope
It's complimented by the lump inside my throat
And it overflows with so much love
Magnetized to its opposing pole
So it bursts right out
In patches on my coat

When does this end
This smile
I pretend to have is fading
And I can't take another inch of it
Someone better take my hand before I quit

This young man is not a man at all
Just a little boy who grew up way too tall
And this big board game
I play alone
Seems hopeless now with the rules unknown
But I still go on with the chances very small
I'd look for love
But it's just like a phone call
I would not hang up
But I can't speak words at all
B-b-but it's breaking up
The signal's gone
Please help me now
So I don't feel lost
When the markers of the trail have begun to fall

When does this end
This smile I pretend to have is fading
And I cant take another inch of it
Someone better take my hand before I quit



Quit now while your brain still functions
Quit now cause the failure comforts you
Quit now while your eyes still open
Quit now while your heart still has no clue
Quit now cause it's just too easy
To throw out your dreams and just give in
Even the smallest risk is still a risk to take
Quit now and spare the chance to win

'i do not exist', we faithfully insist

i know a ton of shit has gone down lately. i wish i was around yesterday to support everyone. i'm sorry, to those of you who needed it. i'll try not to be so stupid next time.

i've gone into neutral. this doesn't happen very often to me. it's a strange feeling really. like i don't really care about anything.

a subtle reminder of hearts filled with loneliness

another concert missed. it was hard, but not as hard as last time. i really don't want this to become a habit.
it's only happened twice but i feel like a failure everytime it does. like it's getting rubbed in my face that i failed my exams. i know i'm dumb, but i don't need it shoved back at me.

i'm definitely going to have to try a lot harder next year. i need to. i hate this.

Cut Me, Mick

I can't keep this together,
And I might lose this year.
I can't get through December,
And you know all my fears.

Someplace, somewhere behind me,
I walked right through the truth.
Truth is that you're the one thing,
That always pulls me through.

This troubled life I choose..
You are the one that I need,
You know that I can still bleed.
Bring me back to life..
Bring me back to life..
You let me down from my cloud,
You keep my feet on the ground.
Bring me back to life..
Bring me back to life..

When I thought that I might,
Be invincible.
It wasn't long before I,
Was invisible.

To your eyes and I swear,
There's nothing left in here.
And the more you say you don't care,
The more I know you're there.
You are the one that I need,
You know that I can still bleed.
Bring me back to life..
Bring me back to life..
You let me down from my cloud,
You keep my feet on the ground.
Bring me back to life..
Bring me back to life..

I can't keep this together..
(you are the one that I need..)
I can't stay sick forever..
(you know that I can still bleed..)
I can't stop this disaster..
(you bring me down from my cloud..)
I can't fall any faster..

You are the one that I need,
You know that I can still bleed.
Bring me back to life..
Bring me back to life..
You are the one that I need,
You know that I can still bleed.
Bring me back to life..
Bring me back to life..
You let me down from my cloud,
You keep my feet on the ground.
Bring me back to life..
Bring me back to life..

You are the one that I need..
You know that I can still bleed..
You let me down from my cloud..
You keep my feet on the ground..

don't bother, angel; i know exactly what goes on

i'm so unbelievably scared i'm going to lose everyone. i've only started feeling like this recently. and i've never ever been this scared.

please don't leave me. i need you.

i never want to hear the truth

today was awful. i had a panic attack and he wasn't even there. it wasn't him. it was his grandma. this is getting ridiculous. this is so unbelievably hard for me. i can't control myself anymore.

and i felt love, again.

cause enough is never quite enough; what's enough?

so today was definitely one of my better days. i helped my mom with washing the cars, took care of the dog, went to church and stuff. and i made an all time low collage to go on my wall. it turned out great and i'm really happy with it.



it was all great until i had to go think about him. i'm trying so unbelievably hard to let him go, aimie knows that, but fuck, it's so god damn hard. i just want this all to be over. i wish everything that ever happened would go away. he's ruining my life, one thought at a time. i can't take it anymore.

so you tear at your hair and scratch at your skin

i'm a useless piece of shit. i'm worthless. i'm a shit friend. no one can change my mind on this.

i just wanna break you down so badly in the worst way

i feel like i've moved to the bottom of the food chain quickly. it's not the best feeling in the world. let me just go on record saying that anger and jealousy are very close cousins, if not siblings.

come on, have your way with me

i'm obviously not good enough for you. that must've been why you broke me and dragged me along for the ride. i know i have a lot of flaws, but am i really that bad? is that why you hate me so much? i just want to know what it is that you hate so much about me. what i did that made you want to hurt me so badly. because it obviously had to be something. there has to be something that wrong with me to make you want to hurt me so fuckin badly. that's honestly all i want. to know exactly what i did or what's so wrong with me that made you do this.

that's all i'm asking. can't you tell me?

let's drink to feelings of temptation

kinda funny how sarah and i were thinking the same thing yesterday. why do i have friends? i don't have anything interesting to talk about with anyone. i'm lame at comebacks, i'm a terrible conversation holder, and i'm overall boring. i just don't understand.

i don't know why anyone bothers to talk to me or hang out with me. i'm a pretty shitty friend, if you ask me. i try to offer advice when people have problems but i'm bad at that too.

if you're my friend, i don't understand why. i really honestly don't get it.

trying to drown out that ringing voice

so my family and i had a "family meeting". we talked about my anger problems. i know i'm an angry person, but i didn't know it was that much of an issue.
i hate talking about anything with my family. it's probably at the bottom of my list. i feel so insecure when i talk with them. like i'm put on the spot and all my emotions are put out like a showcase. it scares the fuck out of me.

it's crazy how much i hate talking to my real family. how much i love talking to my not irl family. sometimes i think i love them more than the real deal. sometimes i actually do.

i owe every breath to you

honestly.

11:11

what a childish concept. but why do i keep wishing? i know it'll never come true. things would be completely different if it did.

introduction to outselling a salesman

it's kind of funny, the relationship i have with my sister. it's almost bi-polar. one second i love her, the next i wish she'd die right then and there. whenever i try to convince my parents to let me do something/go somewhere, she comes up with some stupid reason to stop me from doing it. take tonight for an example. friday is megan's birthday and she asked if molly and i would go to a local show at the recher.

katie: sooo colleen whats that thing you wanted to do on friday again?
mom: oh what are you talking about?
me: well... blah blah asking about the show
mom: oh i see. so you would go this and wear your heavy black makeup and wear your black clothes and everything
katie: -laughing her ass off-
me: katie, you're not helping my case here.
katie: -dying pretty much-
mom: well, it sounds ok to me, i guess..
katie: how about if you don't wear your makeup than you can go?
me: who are you, my mother?
mom/dad: that sounds great!
dad: -launches into speech about 'parent approving appearance'

she can suck my imaginary 12 inch.

mixed drinks, mixed feelings of elation

i don't really have anything to say but i felt like posting something on here. hm.

please don't give up, dear walls; don't let the ceiling fall

i'm gonna be very honest when i say that i'm crying while writing this. hard.

one my favorite bands, the matches, has gone on hiatus. i never really went much farther than the music with them, which was unlikely of me. this was one of the first bands that i didn't go scrummaging around for every known fact about every member. i just loved them for the music. from the very second i heard 'salty eyes', i fell in love. it's still the most played song on my ipod.

i never went to a matches show, and now i regret it more than anything. i kept telling myself to go check them out in person, but i never did. and i can't believe it. now my chances are gone and i'll always regret it.

dear shawn, matt, dylan, and jon,
you 4 boys have made some of the best music i've heard. when i listen to you, i feel safe. not much music can do that to a person, let alone me. thank you for that. thank you for everything you've done for me. i love you more than you, or even i, know. i'm sorry i never had the honor of meeting you. you mean so much to me. i'll be the first person to know if and when you come back.
love always,
colleen s.

so i faced the fact that i'm just fine

i miss you like fuck. but i know you'll be back soon.

love you.

if you're listening, sing it back

if i were a guy and a girl loved me this much, i would be so happy.

cause there's nothing surgery can do

i've come to realize my biggest problem of all. i am an extremely jealous person.

i can get jealous over the smallest things. from one of my friends having a ringtone that i want to anything as big as seeing a friend start liking someone else better than me. that's just my personality. that's just the way i am.

i get very angry when i'm jealous. but i'm really good at hiding it. you probably would never even guess that i was angry with you. but, trust me, i am.

so i've decided that i need to start working on my jealousy issues. it's bringing me down a lot and stopping me from excelling in many things. i just hope that i can help myself.

maybe when the door gets broke down, love can break in

i messed up. tonight. last year. 3 years ago. i messed up.

i'm sorry, colleen. i'm sorry you had to do this to yourself. i wish i could fix you.

trust me, self. i'm far from fixing. as said tonight, i brought this on myself. i need you all more than anything. i wouldn't be able to hang on if i lost you all. you're my lifeline, my rock, the only real thing that keeps me sane.

i know i made mistakes. i'm so sorry. so so sorry.

push pen to paper and put your bottle down

tuesday afternoon i was working in my dad's office, filing (which i've become a total beast at i must say), when i got a tweet that said 'acoustic show at white marsh mall today'. i thought 'man, i wish i could go to that. but there's no way in hell my parents would let me.' until a few minutes later when i realized the last time these guys came around and my parents wouldn't let me go THEN, that my mom promised me i could go the next time they came here. i was so excited to get out of work and ask my parents if i could go. when my parents came to the concensus, i just about flipped a shit. i was going to meet set it off.

anyone who knows me (actually that's a lie, only really molly) knows just how badly i've wanted to meet set it off. i've watched all the videos, read the bio's, listened to the music, fallen in love. i knew they would be totally chill, but i ALWAYS wanted to find out for myself.

i was freaking out on the way to the mall, and pretty much died when we got close (megan can testify to this). i thought my heart was gonna literally explode when molly texted me and said that cody had just talked to her. megan and i ran out of my car and ran through the mall. when we got to the hot topic, i found molly, asked her where cody was, and we all left in search for him. we went to the food court looking. molly, molly's little brother zach, and i were standing around waiting for megan to finish up in the bathroom when zach pointed and said 'there!' i turned and, sure enough, there was cody carson and zach something walking straight toward us. i gasped, ran a few feet, and threw my arms around cody. i couldn't for the life of me believe that cody carson was here in the flesh. he was taken a bit off-guard, but took it very well. 'oh! hey! how are you! i assume you're coming to the show?' he said. i just nodded and stared. this was the real deal.

we ran back to hot topic while the band before set it off, retro ignite (they're rad, check em out), was finishing up their set. then the time came. danny clermont, cody, and zach sat down and got ready for their 6 song set. i was thrilled out of my mind. after 2 songs, danny invited me, molly, megan, and zach to come sit up in front. as a joke, i asked danny if i could sit on his lap. well, being the kind of guy he is, he said yes. so during 'introduction to outselling a salesman', i sat on danny clermont's lap. i couldn't ever put into words how utterly excited i was. nervous out of my mind, but excited. during the song, one of the dudes from retro came up and put a tiara on my head. it made me happy.

the last song they played was 'oh marjorie'. this was the first song i ever heard by them. the minute i started listening to it, i fell in love. it made me the happiest person in the world to hear it live, right in front of them.

after the set, we got to hang out with all of them. i can't describe my feelings. we went over to chik-fil-a with molly's mom after. i saw cody walking around and got molly and megan to get him to talk to my mom on the phone to convince her to let me go to their show the next night. he had done it with megan's mom and a few other people's after. sad to say, the call didn't convince her, but it was still so awesome that he actually called her.

i can very honestly say that tuesday night WAS the best night of my life. i met my idols. if you haven't had the chance to be able to do that, and you get an opportunity, do it. it's the best feeling in the world. i've never been so happy. ever. that night will keep me going for a very long time.